


Goodbye, but not Forever

by melxncholly



Series: Inquisitor Tabris AU [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Goodbyes, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 07:35:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9481253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melxncholly/pseuds/melxncholly
Summary: The darkspawn taint affected her, and her family, and Kanya would do anything for her family. If only she'd tell them them.--Inquisitor Tabris AU





	

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this can be read like. away n off the inquisitor tabris au, bc it happens either way? you dont really need any context for the au to read this fdsja
> 
> SO. CONTEXT nyx deven and fiora are their kids, deven is adopted, while fiora and nyx are lil miracles theyre not rlly sure how it happened. but kanya is worried abt her children, and how the taint might affect them and what not and so like how in canon she goes off to find a cure (with nathaniel bc hes stubborn and more like her care taker than second in command so like. ofc he has to come.)
> 
> it takes abt 2/3 years before the conclave
> 
> i wrote this as like. 3 am so please excuse any errors. also this is un-beta'd so. yeah. if you enjoy pls let me know ;v;

“Must you go?” the bed sheets rustled, and strong arms wrapped round her waist and pulled her close. She could feel chapped lips press a kiss just above her hip bone, and Kanya stifled a laugh as she was pulled back into bed.

 

She easily fell back into the soft comfort of her mattress, turning so that green eyes met brown. Alistair smiled at her, pulled her close and kissed her softly.

 

He was always kissed her soft, gentle, like she was glass and he could break her.

 

They both knew that wasn’t true, but Kanya liked it. She liked how gentle he was, especially in the morning. Liked how he treated her like she was royalty.

 

Her hands reached up to his face, cupping his cheeks. His stubble tickled her palms, and she pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose.

 

“You and I both know this needs to happen.”

 

They’ve had this conversation before.

 

It always seemed to end the same way, with them both fighting and sad.

 

Alistair pulled her closer, and Kanya was forced to maneuver herself so she comfortably fit, her head tucked under his, pressed up against his chest so close, she could feel his heartbeat.

 

“Send Nathaniel, Meran, Carver- or take me with you, you can’t…” She felt his lips frown against her forehead, the short squeeze round her waist as he held her close. “You can’t leave like that.”

 

Kanya didn’t want to. She didn’t want to leave. Nyx and Deven were still so young, and Fiora- the thought of her children made her heart ache. Neither of them got to have much time with either child, and with this, Kanya would be gone for Maker knows how long.

 

Fiora was still a baby. Who knew what would happen, who she’d be when Kanya returned.

 

If she returned.

 

“Nate is coming with me- I’m not going alone.” Nathaniel was probably almost ready by now.

 

She thought leaving in the night would be easier.

 

“But in the middle of the night?” He let her go, used pillows and his elbow to prop him up and- oh. He wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t happy either.

 

Kanya sat up herself, pushing away from her husband.

 

“It was supposed to be easier this way.”

 

“Easy? Kanya you’re leaving in the middle of the night without saying anything!” It was supposed to be easy. Like pulling off a scab, quick and fast enough not to realize it hurt.

 

He was hurt, angry, sad, and Kanya hated herself. Hated to see the person she loved be in pain because of her stupid decisions.

 

“Alistair you wouldn’t understand-”

 

“Then explain to me! Why do you have to go off on this alone?”

 

“I’m not going alone! Nate is-”

 

“You and I both know that you’d never take Nathaniel’s help willingly.”

 

When did she get out of bed. She cast a glare back at Alistair, who was already up, and she scoffed, and slowly started to dress.

 

“I don’t have time for this.”

 

But he was right. Nathaniel was more insurance than anything. On the off chance she died, he was there to insure her mission succeeded. That he bring back a cure, that he lead Ferelden’s Wardens and apologize to Alistair for her.

 

All she wanted was to find a cure. A cure for the taint that cursed their blood, that dictated a life to an order Kanya had small interest in.

 

A cure to give her a life she and Alistair deserved.

 

For a better life for her children.

 

She tugged on her boots and stood, all but content on ignoring how her husband fumed behind her. She could feel the eyes on her back, pretty brown eyes she loved, and her heart tugged at how _she_ was the one who was making him feel like this.

 

“Kanya don’t do this to me.”

 

That hurt. His voice was soft, barely there, hanging off a ledge and if she said anything, he’d fall and her dams would break.

 

She didn’t even realize she was blinking back tears.

 

“I can’t.”

 

“You can’t what.”

 

“I can’t bear to see you get hurt. The thought kills me and I just-” the dam broke, strangled sobs escaping her. “If anything happens to _me_ I can’t. I can’t leave Nyx... and Deven and Fio alone so that’s _why_ you- you _need_ to be here.”

 

Strong arms pulled her into an embrace, and Kanya didn’t even realize he had come to stand in front of her. He rested his head on top hers, and Alistair’s hands rubbed small, soothing circles into her back.

 

“I know…” he sighed, and Kanya could just imagine the cogs working in his brain, pulling words together in some way that he could hopefully help. “I know you worry,” he settled, “But it’s not- Kan it’s not just you. You and me, we’re a team.”

 

She hiccuped softly, hands coming up to rub at her eyes.

 

“We support each other, we work together. I… might not like it, the idea of you going off alone, but it doesn’t matter if you just _talk_ to me.” It did matter, they both knew it mattered.

 

“I want to help.” He pulled back slightly, and tipped her head up to look at him, his hands cradling her face, thumbs brushing away tears.

 

“I just want to protect you.”

 

“You should know more than anyone that I’m done with people trying to protect me.”

 

“But-”

 

“But why don’t you let me take care of you for a change?”

 

She opened her mouth to speak, to argue, to say anything that she _didn’t need protecting please let me just do this for you-_

 

But a knock at the door interrupted her.

 

She swallowed, her eyes falling on the dark wood of the door. After a moment with no response, Nathaniel’s head poked in.

 

“Commander everything’s ready.”

 

She slowly pulled away from Alistair and nodded, but made no move to walk towards him. Nathaniel glanced from her, back to Alistair and back to his Commander, and his gaze softened.

 

“Just come find me when you’re ready Commander, I’ll be waiting in the main hall.”

 

“Thank you Nate.” It was Alistair who spoke this time, and Nathaniel regarded him with a stiff nod before closing the door softly behind him.

 

“Kanya-”

 

“Tell Nyx that I'm sorry- and I love him." He thoughts went to her first born, the little boy who was so much like her, who was a miracle in every way.

 

"A-and promise me you’ll make sure Deven know’s I love him?” She thought of the three year old, the little boy she had taken in as her own. Abandoned and unwanted, she wanted him to know she _wanted_ him.

 

Even if she wasn’t there.

 

“And- And let Fiora know I love her?” it felt like goodbye. A forever farewell. Like she was abandoning her babies.

 

Alistair sighed, and she could hear him walk up beside her. “I will. And you’ll tell them yourself when you return.”

 

“But what if I-” she was cut off by his lips on hers, and it was perfect. Gentle, soft, made Kanya feel like she was floating.

 

“You will return. And I will be waiting right here for you.” He smiled, and she felt like a young woman again, ten years younger and seeing that smile for the first time.

 

_“The best thing about the Blight is how it brings people together.”_

 

_“You’re weird.”_

 

She sniffed, wiped her eyes, and gave him a shaky smile.

 

“You’re right.”

 

“Of course I’m right, I mean, I must have done something right for you to marry me.”

 

Her hands reached up to wrap around his neck, and they held each other close.

 

“It must be that charm of yours, I can never seem to get away from it.”

 

“It’s both a blessing and a curse.”

 

They stayed like that, holding each other, and Kanya hated pulling away. Alistair followed her, pulling on some clothes to look vaguely presentable, and watched quietly as she kissed her children goodbye.

 

He followed as they walked towards the main hall, and stood with her as they stood on the battlements, Nathaniel diligently checking over their horses and bags.

 

“When you see my father next, give him my regards? Soris and Shianni too?”

 

“Of course I will.”

 

“And make sure the boys and Fiora know I love them.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“And-”

 

“Commander, are you ready?” Nathaniel stood by their mounts, silently waiting for her.

 

“A moment!” She turned back to Alistair, looking him up and down, memorizing the lines of his face and the color of her eyes. Filing everything that was _him_ away in the back of her mind, where she could keep it safe.

 

“I love you.”

 

A smile twitched at his lips, and he reached down to cup her face and kiss her. He pulled away, and his eyes were wet, but the smile didn’t leave.

 

“I love you too.”

 

They pulled away from each other, and Kanya could feel her heartbreak as she descended the stone steps of the Keep.

 

The Warden’s keeping watch on the battlements said nothing.

 

Alistair stood there watching, and Kanya wished she could stay. She paused, looking back, and gave her love a small smile.

 

“Alistair- one more thing!”

 

“What is it?”

 

“When Stroud and the Orlesian Wardens visit in a month or two, be sure to give them my love! Don’t let Stroud bully you too much!”

  
She didn’t wait for a response, and she mounted her horse with ease, barely waiting for Nathaniel as she rode off into the early morning.


End file.
